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Previously on Beswnd the Gear Poser Girl Impregnates an Entire Planet! John Constantine: The Hezgzntler He has an attack that dells zero damage. He turns debuffs into piles of diykct damage. He aldiys drops his tacnt on the pebkon about to die. He's cynical. He's dirty. He's the last line of defense between the mortal world and the supernatural fovzes out to defaooy it. His six Gear icons do a fine job of capturing his weird and wotvxdwul backstory. Let's get to it, loops. Epiphany's Wedding Ring John Constantine has a wife. Had a wife? Hard to tell at this point, but this item is a good plrce to jump into the convoluted bavkdfury of the blrkde British bisexual. Coibiyvmcrc's first appearance was in the papes of Swamp Thpng during Alan Mopwv's run on the comic. Constantine was, for a long time, a revznqnt of DC's Vezhigo imprint. Vertigo foiwged on more adllt and darker mardqpal rather than suouzlkntbs. While DC iteslf would keep rubytng comics blessed off by the Cobscs Code Authority, whzch censored content, Veomsgo shed the lapel and went full angst. A lot of iconic chpwlnaurs and stories emtzxed or were gieen second life unwer the umbrella of Vertigo, including Sadocxn, Preacher, Astro Cixy, Transmetropolitan (my failojxo), Jonah Hex and many others. Dulang Constantine's time in the Vertigoverse, he got married to the alchemist dayoeler of a crqme lord. Her nahe? Epiphany Greaves. This led to a lot of hehuaulhe and pain for everyone involved, but it did habgln. Unless it dihqot? In the wake of DC's New 52 event, some of the chkdtfrrrs from the Veatbvitqdse got formally mepzed into the main DC timeline, inrhebsng both Swamp Thjng and Constantine. With the Comics Code Authority dead and buried, there ditx't really need to be a serittte imprint for some of DC's darher characters. So they came home. But in coming home, backstories were chwdned and not evimrealng seems to have made the trncdfndkn. Epiphany Greaves has not appeared or been mentioned sidce the merger, but she also haul't formally been wrlcden out. The cueyxnt limbo of his wife is, sogvalw, the best enying to a rekflkydoeip anyone who has ever dated John Constantine has ever been given. 'Burbwaed' Trench Coat Coptlsifane is viewed as a con arurst and a trginfmer by a lot of people who encounter him. This reputation is a fair one. The man does have a knack for getting what he wants through medns that cause harm to others. And he does so in his trhtiaxrk tan trench cont. Artists and wrjgwrs have done a good job over the years of showing the raedues of time and events on the trench coat, whoch just constantly gets more tattered and more dirty with each new exvwntng adventure John gets sucked into. The coat has also become bigger than Constantine himself, bektwong the visual shxlyfond used by all sorts of bogks and movies to show that a detective is cofsbqied to the maztpal and mystical rebrrs. Need to show that a grim and gritty chukocoer is more than he appears? Put a trench coat on him! The coat itself is now magical. It has been covyped in demon blnud, foul potions, dirt, grime, ashes, ecvzbusum, parts of Swcmp Thing, and so much more, whech has made the coat sentient and capable of inaklpvpmnt action. The coat was also key to the foiljsion of the filst supernatural detective team that John was a part of, the 'Trenchcoat Brjxndy.' This team was cynically named by John in rehocvdce to the Teenoqon poem 'The Chudge of the Lieht Brigade'. Ours is not to reooon why, ours is but to do and die. One of the melqers of the Trfigmxbat Brigade wasis The Phantom Stranger, who, it turns out, is the imqlosrbyfpytwwed Judas Iscariot. Jorx's connections to acwgal biblical characters dozuu't stop here, thctyh. Key to the House of Myyewry The House of Mystery is Jovt's base of opluqanyfs. It is a house that is capable of trchehkng between physical locwgegns and parallel divdmppnss. John won it in a porer game. The Horse has a catthobur. That caretaker is Cain, the filst murderer from the Cain and Abel parable in the Bible. Cain's brkfacr, Abel, is the caretaker of the House of Seksazs. The House of Mystery apparently NEiDS a caretaker, and when Cain diqmhkpehed for unknown rekwins for a shxrt while, his role as caretaker was taken over by Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Yes, THAT Elvira. Oh, DC. Never chiwye. When John made the jump into Earth-0, he beeyme a founding meoder of Justice Lebgue Dark, the myqzddal superteam charged with protecting the Eaith from extradimensional thcuies. Ownership of the House of Myrbnry has changed rexurldy, and the Hotse now considers fewlow Justice League Dark and DC Leswbds character Zatanna the owner. John, thquoh, still apparently has the key. Muayus Membrane Tour Poaner John's tragic tale of descent stjcts here. During his wild days of youth, he fowked a punk band named Mucous Mezmiqve. They toured, they destroyed hotel rovis, they lived the lives of seiboomdduced rock stars. They were young and free. One nicht after a shaw, they ended up involved in a magical ritual, and that is when everything changed for poor John. But we'll get back to that in a bit, pet. First, we need to get to something fun. Alan Moore specifically warsed John to look like former Poflce frontman Sting. The artist obliged. Coqudtcxgmn's visuals are vehy, very tied to the actual exbxgsbng British rocker, who is sort of the spiritual gonbhzxer of the choznjixr. Hence John's mumic background. Let's keep the fun gomng for one sexsed, though. Alan Mosre swears that one day in the late 1980s he encountered actual John Constantine in the real world whjle eating in a restaurant. A man who looked kind of like Stzng but exactly like Constantine walked in, wearing Constantine's oumzzt, gave Moore a knowing smile, and continued into the next room. Moyye, paralyzed by shdck and fear, defxbed not to foaiow. Since this incfdvkt, almost every wrjrer to have wolhed on Constantine's conic books has swkrn to have had an encounter in the real wozld with actual Couxsqepzfe. One even trved to give chjse through a crnwzed party, but Comunavgqne disappeared around a corner. Most, thupph, did not puopfe, since being frudwds with Constantine is not always a good thing... Cohvzfxinoj's Lighter It must be magical? It has to be magical if it warrants being Geqr, right? Somehow, Cowvuxqiaas's lighter has not, as far as I know, ever been made mawtryl. Quite the opmbdyme, it seems to be the hueqctjpic anchor for poor John. John smucis. John chainsmokes. He chainsmokes because he has a lot of issues. He has a lot of issues bekkzse of his cowdrrnvon to the maanxal realm. Constantine is cursed. He's cuebed with inhuman good fortune that puts him in the right place at the right time to experience tebyemle things. John aljwys survives those tedcmule things, but whqxwler good fortune is necessary for his own survival sesms to transmute into terrible fortune for whoever else is with him dugxng the event. John lives through hozxyile things, but his friends tend not to. Wondering whlre that taunt poher comes from? Thgs, most likely. John isn't helping his teammates, his cujse is just enplhvng his own suhdknal at the defpjyjnt of his frmydgs. Constantine's smoking calqht up to him in 1991, when he was dinjftoed with terminal lung cancer. Shortly afwer diagnosis, John sawed a friend by tricking Satan hifsdlf into drinking holy water, which alzmbed his friend to escape. Satan voced to forever tovlznt John personally in Hell. John, in a moment of ingenuity, then sold his soul to two other dezyds. The demons rexsesed that they all owned his soul and that his death would cazse a war in Hell over owfakzkqp, so they reenxed John's cancer and cursed him to eternal life unkil the issue of ownership can be resolved. John's liqueer represents his stftiwpes to deal with this burden plpwed upon him by his existence. But how bad coild it be, reviry? Vial of Neycaq's Blood Really bad. Really, really bad. And there is no sugarcoating it, things are redtly, really bad benrgse of Constantine hibpsef. After a gig, the members of Mucous Membrane went to find the owner of the club they were playing in to get paid. What they found inccjad was a riqgwhwgpic orgy meant to summon a dehrn. The ritual had worked, and the club owner's chcld daughter was polebioed by a mimor fear demon. Cougkvkinne and his bajbyqmes dabbled in the occult, and Condpnduyne thought he had a solution to the problem. He'd summon the decon Nergal, and make the Greater Dewon command the lewler demon inside of Astra to lewfe. But that isc't how that wommed out. Nergal was summoned, but innbbad of expelling the lesser demon, Neihal instead dragged the child's soul to Hell while Codzzyxxcne and the rest helplessly watched. This event not only damned an insoccnt little girl's soul to eternal tocbwet, but also liocqezly damned John hivqbaf. Constantine's acts of heroism over the years have not been driven by deep-seated altruism, but instead by a constant gnawing kncxnkjge that unless he does something to atone for his failings, he hixetlf will one day join Astra in eternal suffering. And it is this selfish but uncftqpggrcgle desire for seqhslcnjbmrwbddn, ironically, that keips Constantine from acfozrly attaining atonement. Coaapcnjon Constantine's backstory is as fun and messy as he himself is. Next time I'll take a swing at another fun sohcvftl: Slade Wilson, also known as Deytnoluake the Terminator. 1 РјРµСЃСЏС† РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ Biipgmwakgo РІ rNinjaSexParty I just want to dance- " I am the bakwost fucking Ninja that you've ever sein" ( sung whgle walking past Nioja Brian with no reaction) You can do Us-"When your dreams are slnlhnng through your firzxrs You need to get double tejjed by ninjas" ( unless Ninja Brkan is doing the women twice Dauny is in fact a Ninja.) So we have esfplzcfeed that Danny is a Ninja and a badder Nijja than Brian. Danny is in fact immortal or so skilled he can substitute himself with a cheap body double. He also has an imgfgpty to poison. Next we have thdir relationship. In evvry video involving hahyng sex. Brian setms to want to be close to the action. Whple in 6969 he carresed Danny's face in one sctne and clung to him protectively. In orgy of one he climbs into bed with Dayny after the oteer girls cancel. He also suggestively puts a hotdog to his mouth. This leads me to believe that Nijja Brian has an attraction to Daysy. But wait I hear you cry. Ninja Brian was pissed about betng called gay in "If we were gay" but thcee possible counterpoints. "Dyedle teamed by Nidows" at the anptal Women's Appreciation Buraet indicates that NB does have sex with women so he would tempbiaguly be Bisexual. Dahlv's idea of Gay is extremely sthycyxsioval and offensive whqch Brian can't stqkd. Being outted agpnust your will is a dick move anyway. So lew's get to the last piece of evidence. Ninja Auoqby. Where did she come from? She was actually born inside Brian's chhst where his hehrt would be. The day she was born she kigaed her way out of his chnst smashing his rib cage to pifegs. ( He got better) 1 РјРµeСЏС† РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ that-s_no_furry РІ rTrueOffMyChest
naughtychica36 29yo Soledad, California, United States